All I Have.

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life

Had led me to the grave.

I had no hope that You would own

A rebel to Your will.

And if You had not loved me first

I would refuse You still.

The battle rages all around me, thick with arrows of doubt, anger, cutting deep into my soul, slashing at my heart. I fight back with words of hate--all the paybacks I think my enemies deserve. All the words I wouldn't say to their faces, black and distorted, ugly and mocking. It's easy to hide. Easier then standing in the open, standing in this black, empty place--a place where I see nothing but death, nothing but a gaping hole of doom. Of no turning back. Of lies I don't believe. Lies that make me drop my sword, cover my ears, close my eyes as another arrow of insult hurtles into my wounded spirit.

With a cry I drop to my knees.

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state

And led me to the cross.

And I beheld God’s love displayed

You suffered in my place

You bore the wrath reserved for me

Now all I know is grace.

I see His Shadow. That vague light, getting ever stronger--brighter, brighter as I watch Him. As I train my eyes on the One, the great Warrior and King. My King. The enemy falls at His glance, right and left like puffs of smoke, running like frightened children--mere imaginations; ghosts of my mind. For now I see who they really are: the tests and trials of the Christian life. And now, when I take my Kings hand, and though the battle rages round us, I am untouched. Because He is leading. Because in His Shadow I see the arrows fall--fall into my hole of death.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

See, I've learned a lot about surrender. Oh no, I'll never surrender to the enemy. But I've surrendered my battles--the spiritual warfare of every day, to my King. When I finally let Him guide my stubborn, wandering heart. . .beautiful things happen. I'm not saying the trials are any easier. I'm not saying that I'm always filled with the Joy of Him or always walk in His Light. But when He leads--when we audibly cry out to Him--in the darkest night, in the darkest hole, when the arrows fly the fastest. . .then, and only then, can He work. I of all people know how difficult it is to find that surrender, to allow Him to gather my tears and put them in a bottle. To give Him my all and everything, and to know that everything works together for His good. I'm learning. And I want Him to fight for me.

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.

Oh Father, use my ransomed life

In any way You choose.

And let my song forever be

My only boast is You.

As many of you may have guessed, I just returned from a beautiful, God-filled trip to the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival. This is one of my surrender points. You see, the Lord orchestrated every single atom of everything that happened--but I'm home now. I'm back to the ho-hum of life, to the purposeless-ness of the every day grind. It's hard. I admit that with all my heart. And there are things that have happened since SA that just don't make sense--things that I can't face alone. Things I wish I didn't have to think about, worry about--things I've been trying these past few days to surrender. Strange, because I feel such a peace now. . . Maybe that's what Spiritual maturity feels like. Maybe that's just the answer to all the testing. I don't know.

But I do know that today

I'm grateful for a family who loves me. For parents who listen and understand. For a friend so close I can tell her anything, and even as a newly married bride, takes the time to pray for me. I'm grateful for accusations. I'm grateful for hard hearts. I'm grateful for misunderstandings. I'm grateful for things that stretch everything in my weak, inexperienced self--like running through an airport. . .just knowing we'd miss our flight. . .up and down escalators, panting and out of breath, carrying heavy bags. . .and finally getting to our gate with 15 minutes to spare. Red faces, dry throats, and all. I'm grateful. For the little things; meeting the winner of the SAICFF Best of Festival in the airport. For old and new friendships. For people who may never know how much they bless me. . .and for others who I'd just like to slap. I'm grateful even for them.

You see, I'm grateful--for life! For a God who stretches me. Who puts the most difficult into my life. Who forces me to love, when I have only reason to hate. Without Christ we are nothing. Without Christ the battles of life would overcome us--and they do. Unless we find the courage to put aside our weak flesh and realize that He can overcome. That He DOES overcome. That we are measly worms challenging a great and mighty King.

 Hallelujah! All I have is Christ

Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Christ is All I Have.

Lyrics © 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise